Yet More Words You Should Know

From The World Wide Weird, but apparently an anonymous composition that has been going around the Internet.

It begins by saying “The Washington Post has just released a list of winners in its annual contest to provide wrong meanings for well-known words.” Of course, a search of the Washington Post website turns up nothing like this, so that part is a hoax. But ignore that and enjoy the list:

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your negligee.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

As you can expect, I’ve saved what I think is the best for last:

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.