What If Political Ads Told the Truth?

From Don Feder, some imaginary political campaign ads that tell the truth, and which you of course will never see (except perhaps for the last one):

Hillary Ad #1: “She couldn’t be bothered raising her own kid – when Bill was Arkansas governor, they hired a nanny, illegally paid for by the state’s taxpayers – but she wants to tell you how to raise yours. When Hillary says ‘it takes a village,’ she means a motley crew of social workers, bureaucrats and educrats. Hillary -- She has lots of experience talking about other people’s children.”

Hillary Ad #3: “I’m Hillary Clinton, and I’m better than you. Sometimes I’m dazzled by my own brilliance. As long as I can recall, I’ve thought of myself as a superior being – both intellectually and morally. When Bill and I resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., aides were ordered not to look at me when they passed me in the hallway, lest I be sullied by their glances. You should be grateful that I’m willing to condescend to rule you, you pathetic peasant.’ Hillary Clinton – Here’s looking down at you, kid.”

Obama Ad #1: “I’m Barack Obama, and I have less experience than any other serious candidate. Three years ago, as a member of the Illinois legislature, I was taking constituent calls on potholes. But if you’re a guilty, white liberal obsessed with race, I’m you’re man.’ Barack Obama – politically inexperienced, Oprah approved.”

Obama Ad #2: “Democrats, I’m a political powerhouse. In 2004, I achieved the heroic feat of beating Alan Keyes for the Senate in Illinois. I have charisma to spare. And I’m really likeable, unlike you-know-who.”

Obama Ad #3: “To hell with the troops. Let’s signal the terrorists that they’ve won, by pulling out of Iraq now. The road to victory in the war on terrorism is paved with unilateral surrender. Obama -- for waving the white flag at Al-Qaeda.”

Kucinich Ad: “It isn’t easy getting to the left of Clinton and Obama, but Dennis – the Red Dwarf – Kucinich has managed to occupy that narrow strip of terrain. If you want a man in the White House who believes in UFOs – who might be an extra-terrestrial himself – vote Dennis. Besides, if you get tired of looking at him for 4 to 8 years, you can always look at his wife. Dennis Kucinich – ugly is as ugly does.”

Edwards Ad #1: “I’m John Edwards and I made a fortune chasing ambulances. If you believe in multi-million dollar verdicts for women who scald themselves holding hot coffee between their knees while driving, support my candidacy.’ John Edwards – in tort lawyers we trust.”

Romney Ad #1: “I’m Mitt Romney, and I saw my father, the late Michigan Governor George Romney, march with Martin Luther King for civil rights. I also saw him land on Omaha Beach on D-Day, break through to Bastogne with Patton in the Battle of the Bulge, charge up San Juan Hill with Teddy Roosevelt and save the Union by stopping Pickett’s charge at Gettysburg. Actually, I didn’t literally see him do any of these things. I’m speaking metaphorically. What’s the meaning of ‘saw’ anyway? (See ‘Bill Clinton’s New Dictionary of the American Language.’)”

Romney Ad #4: “If Mitt Romney is elected president, he promises to build an electrified fence around his Belmont, Massachusetts home to keep illegal aliens from doing any more yard-work there. Mitt Romney – ready to get tough on illegal immigration in his own backyard.”

Giuliani Ad #1: “I’m Rudy Giuliani. I didn’t keep my promises to my first two wives -- to love and honor -- but I’ll keep my promises to you.”

Huckabee Ad #4: “’This is Mike Huckabee. Did you know that Mitt Romney is a member of a satanic cult that thinks the Devil is Jesus’ second-cousin once removed? I’m sorry I said that (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).’ Mike Huckabee -- because innuendo is a terrible thing to waste.”

McCain Ad #1: “He’s old. He’s mean. He shouts obscenities at Senate colleagues. Bleep kinder and gentler. Vote McCain.”

McCain Ad #2: “I’m John McCain and I was the chief Senate architect of the amnesty bill. Corporate America needs cheap, peon labor. We can’t arrest every illegal in the country; we haven’t got enough handcuffs. So why try? If I’m elected president, Mexico can close its embassy and consulates. I’ll represent its interests better. Vote for me, you stupid, racist gringos.”

Paul Ad: “Ron Paul is a knee-jerk isolationist. Ron Paul thinks there’s no national defense like no national defense. If you think 9/11 happened because ‘we bombed Iraq for 10 years,’ if you think ‘by far and away the most powerful lobby in Washington of the bad sort is the Israeli government,’ if you think heroin and prostitution should be legal, vote Paul. If you believe in black helicopters and CFR conspiracies, vote Ron Paul. If you want the foreign policy of Pat Buchanan with the social policy of Bill Maher, vote Ron Paul. If you don’t, his zombie army might get you.”

Thompson Ad: “Vote for Fred, in solidarity with the millions of Americans suffering from chronic-fatigue syndrome. ‘I’m Fred Thompson, and I’ll approve this message, as soon as I wake up.’”

And now, the one that’s much like one that you might really hear:

Hillary Ad #8 – “This is Hillary Clinton, did you know Barack Obama is an addict, a Muslim, a card-carrying member of Al-Qaeda and part of the vast right-wing conspiracy? And if there’s one thing which I will not tolerate, it’s the politics of personal destruction.”