Friday, June 19, 2009

Liberals vs. Conservatives: Condensed History

From an e-mail correspondent. Don’t run to Snopes to see whether it is historically accurate.
Condensed History

For those that don’t know about history. Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservative provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.
OK, just some good dirty partisan invective. Unserious fun.

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Blogger Ronsonic said...

Good fun. Thanks for explaining it.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Nancy from said...

Who grows the hops and makes the beer while the conservatives are out killing animals or bad guys? I think the liberals have the taste buds!

Thought you might be interested to know that there might soon be an American veteran - a Chaplain and winner of the Bronze Star -- who is also named as an American saint....

2:09 PM  
Blogger Hap pi said...

A slightly longer History of History

I know, I know, it seems right, and it sure makes you feel good, doesn’t it! It’s lovely and comfy when History reinforces our Myths, sanctifies our Decisions, and ratifies those Policies that are starting to seem Stupid but that we are Stuck with. But lots of what seems logical isn’t necessarily true. And much of what we hope becomes in time what we think. Just because your often-repeated History makes you feel good and fits what you want doesn’t make it right. Just because confident men with warm voices speak it on the radio does not mean that it is worth repeating. The real story isn’t so happy, and isn’t so simple. It also takes some more reading and, I’m sorry to say, a few big Words.

It’s true; once upon a time, beer was an important factor in a major shift in human endeavor—but there is much more to this Story.

Sure, the grain fermented in the jars, and sure it was lucky that you could still get that “not starving” feeling and that “kind of frisky” feeling when you drank it (and chewed it). And sure, those Conservatives were out there making meat out of the animals of the plain…but let’s look a bit closer. Where we left it, the callow Liberals were hanging out around the fire, engaging in effeminate activities, and hoping a Conservative would bring home another lump of protein for them to mooch. Things went well for a while. But, over time, the Conservatives brought home less and less protein. You see, staying in one place exhausted all the game, and the old gathering habits used up all the grain. And the comfortable stationary living generated many more mouths to feed, since, in their secure houses, fewer children were being picked off by dingoes.
Luckily, the liberals began to do something Conservatives thought was a dangerous waste of time: they thought! Oh, clever Liberals! Unable to match the brawny and confident Conservatives, they had to think or sink. And, if they remained unproductive, they noticed that the Conservatives would criticize them by day and then creep into their sleeping bags at night for a little Buggery. So, as a matter of survival, they began to notice things. So clever! they noticed that the grains of the field weren’t all that useful, growing in inconvenient places and yielding small and dying often. So they set out to solve that problem using their often maligned Domestication skills.
Since the Conservatives had little game left to hunt, they launched pogroms in the neighboring village. This made them hungry. The Liberals had to persuade them not to eat all the grain in a sitting. We can plant these grains, they said, and grow more and better food—if you can only hold your horses until next year, and maybe help out with the plowing and weeding. Then, they said, We can ferment the rest, on purpose, and trade it to the people in the neigboring village, if only you would desist killing them for sport. Hey! said the Conservatives. We are hunters, and if the game is gone what will we kill? Hush now, said the Liberals, listen to this: a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush, and look! the tired and dirty Conservatives dropped off to sleep in their own dung.

2:58 PM  
Anonymous hermungus said...

nice try quiche eater. no likelihood that your rebuttal will be forwarded even once, so, as usual you've wasted more valuable time in a useless, overproduced attempt to reconcile your own value to society. listen, I could use a hair cut, and while you're up, bring me a beer. domestic.

5:49 AM  

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